What is a Covert Contract?

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A covert contract is an unspoken, often unconscious, agreement or expectation one person has of another in a relationship. The “covert” aspect means that this “contract” is never explicitly communicated or agreed upon by both parties, yet one person acts as if it exists and expects the other to adhere to its terms.

Essentially, it’s a “give to get” mentality where someone performs certain actions or behaviors with a hidden expectation of a specific return, without ever expressing that expectation.

Key characteristics of covert contracts:

• Unspoken and Unconscious: The expectations are held internally by one person and are not communicated to the other. Often, the person holding the covert contract isn’t fully aware of it themselves.
• Hidden Expectations: There’s an underlying belief that if one does X, the other person “should” or “will” do Y in return.
• Source of Resentment: When the uncommunicated expectation isn’t met, the person with the covert contract often feels angry, resentful, disappointed, or manipulated, while the other person is often confused about why they’re upset.
• Lack of Mutual Understanding: Since the agreement isn’t explicit, the other party has no way of knowing what’s expected of them, making it impossible for them to agree, negotiate, or fulfill the unspoken terms.
• Often tied to “Nice Guy” Syndrome: The concept was popularized by Dr. Robert Glover in his book “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” describing how people-pleasers often engage in covert contracts, expecting love, approval, or sex in return for being “nice” or accommodating.

Examples of covert contracts:

• “If I always listen to your problems, you should always listen to mine.” (without ever asking for that reciprocation)
• “If I keep the house clean and do all the chores, my partner should initiate intimacy more often.” (without discussing desires for intimacy or chore division)
• “If I help my coworker with their tasks, they should help me with mine whenever I ask.” (without establishing a clear agreement for mutual support)
• “If I am always polite and agreeable, people will like me and not challenge me.”

Why they are problematic:

• Erode Trust: They create a dynamic of hidden agendas and can lead to feelings of manipulation and dishonesty.
• Foster Resentment: The unmet expectations build up, leading to bitterness and passive-aggressive behavior.
• Prevent Genuine Connection: True connection requires open and honest communication, which covert contracts bypass.
• Unfair to Others: It’s unfair to expect someone to fulfill an agreement they never knew existed.

How to deal with covert contracts:

The solution to covert contracts lies in open, direct, and honest communication.

1. Become Self-Aware: Identify your own covert contracts. Ask yourself: “What am I doing for others with an unspoken expectation of return?”
2. Communicate Directly: Instead of hoping someone will “just know,” express your needs, desires, and expectations clearly and assertively.
3. Be Willing to Negotiate: Understand that others may not share your expectations or be willing to meet them exactly as you envision. Be open to discussion and compromise.
4. Practice Unconditional Giving: Shift from a “give to get” mentality to genuine kindness where you give without strings attached or expectations of reciprocity.
5. Address Underlying Fears: Covert contracts often stem from fears of rejection, confrontation, or not being worthy. Addressing these deeper issues through self-reflection or therapy can be beneficial.

By moving from covert to overt contracts (explicit, mutually agreed-upon understandings), relationships become healthier, more transparent, and more fulfilling for all parties involved.