Many people who know me only by my reputation don’t value me and don’t respect me. Only the ones who knew me closely liked me. Many are brainwashed by some who have some control my reputation. I don’t know who they are. They are unaware of my struggles. They prefer gossiping and misinterpreting my reactions without ever talking to me or asking me.
Many girls just wanted me to like them in the street just by look without knowing anything about them.
They know some things about me, true or false. They just wanted approval and validation from someone who became famous.
I posted a lot on Google Maps. I created digital content.
I try to give people useful information about places and help them decide where to go and what to buy.
I was never thanked by anyone, not even once for what I do. I have a lot of views without likes. They just consume my content as if it is normal and I’m working for them. Now, it has even turned into an unappreciation of my personality and how I am. They spread some single facts about how I reacted to some situations without understanding my motives and my version of the story. They didn’t care about what I think. People in general, due to their intellectual laziness, prefer judging quickly instead of understanding.
They have no idea how much I suffer physically from lighting, screens, and glare. This rare condition impacted heavily my life and destroyed many social opportunities. My capacity to meet with people and engage in conversations was hampered. My vision about career and work plans was destroyed. I couldn’t work on a computer anymore.
I can’t drive a car because of the glare. My eyes and my brain are just incapable of processing this type of light.
I was in a heavy depression for years while trying to understand myself and others. I was working hard to get out of it with a small amount of energy left.
Instead of getting the Love that I crave, not sex, not employment, many people in Society mirror the opposite of Love. As an INFJ, Emotions are like food for me. If I don’t get my dose of Love and positive emotions, I’m undernourished.
Yes, I don’t understand many strangers’ facial expressions because of my autism. In theory, I understand people deeply, but I miss some small social details, some social clues that I don’t know because nobody explained them to me. And do they have the same meaning for everyone? Many times, I can’t tell if a person is smiling at me or smiling at my expense.
I don’t know how to react to strangers in the street.
People have different understandings and different ways of expressing themselves.
When a girl approaches me in a childish or barbaric way, what should I do? I don’t know anything about her. She expects me to like here or approach her.
I can’t be interested in a girl based on her looks.
First, a girl is still young and ignores a lot of things about Life. I don’t feel safe engaging in a conversation with her. We don’t have the same interests by default.
I’m not interested in a materialistic Life.
People in general, because of their lack of knowledge, assume I am like other men. I’m far away from being like a stereotypical man.
So I was in a situation where too many girls liked me in the street and childishly approached me without trying to connect with me on a personal level, in a friendly way, or genuine interest about me. For me, it’s just looked like a sexual attraction. I’m not interested at all in their sexual attraction. What interests me is positive emotions and kindness. Where are those in these girls?
I can’t see who they are in the street. I can’t see their personality in their clothes and hair. This is what they keep focusing on. Playing with their hair to seduce or reveal clothes. I’m not interested in this at all.
After I ignored these girls attempts, A wide wave of rage and hate started against me after they expressed they really liked me in the street.
So, how do we understand this? Someone likes you but when she/he feels rejected and this like is not reciprocated, she/he starts hating you or expressing hate and insulting you.
How can I like someone like that? So I am obliged to like them? Is it a duty for me?
I am aware that it’s difficult for me to connect with people, not because I don’t understand them but because they can’t understand me, and we have different interests in general. Sure the common practical way of socializing annoys me a lot and drains my energy. For years, to avoid being lonely, I endured many situations that I didn’t enjoy.
I don’t belong anywhere while I crave connection, love, and care.
I can’t connect to people because of my unique personality, INFJ + Asperger’s, and because of my eyes/ brain disease.
On top of that, I get misunderstood so they try to hurt me emotionally while I never had a bad intention against them. I am wired psychologically to care and I enjoy caring.
The few people who knew me closely know that very well. Unfortunately, these few people were not enough for me to cover my social and emotional needs and to belong to a community that I truly desire to be in.
I suffer from Loneliness and emotional starvation. Nobody can understand, cares enough, or can help enough.
This is my journey that I accept since I am trying my best and doing what I know I should do. The way I am handling my interactions with Society is not working, but I don’t know how to do it differently or what to do instead.
Ironically, understanding is far from enough to connect with them. It’s a two-way street and I am aware that I can misunderstand or misinterpret their behavior or reactions. The difference is that I am convinced that people have different personalities and are different.
So I never hate them. I can get angry at them and I can criticize their actions but never the person. It’s two different entities in my brain. I dissociate the person from the actions. Actions are contextual and I can’t link them to the person until I hear from the person themselves. Otherwise, I don’t judge quickly in general. I stay in a neutral zone as someone who doesn’t have enough information to evaluate. Unfortunately, this is not the approach of the majority of people.
Yes, my personality has the gift of empathy, deep understanding, and caring that others don’t have similarly. However, who will care about me? For now, I am almost on a deserted island with the few people I am close to, but not close enough. We can’t build a civilization and cover all our needs by being only a limited number of people.
I am aware that I am being vulnerable now. I am even downgrading my social status furthermore by not showing that I know a lot of people, have a lot of friends, and have a thriving social Life.
I’m speaking the truth, my truth. This is my default setting. I avoid hurting people by not telling them a specific truth, but I never lie. I didn’t get the same treatment when I was socializing. They avoid hurting in general but lying is common and is used whenever needed or whenever it can be useful.
I am a researcher, a scientist and a source of information. I can’t allow myself to lie. Truth doesn’t require effort to me. It’s natural and genuine for me.
I get overwhelmed by my emotions many times. I stay composed, but deep down, I am wounded. This article is venting and sharing my perspective, which I hope some people can benefit from or relate to.
Until an upcoming article. I wish all people who like my articles to have a fulfilling life, a great social life that I never had and I don’t know how to have.
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