How to not get upset because our social “covered contract” was not respected?

It’s completely understandable to feel upset when a social “covered contract” (or any agreement or expectation, spoken or unspoken) isn’t respected. It can feel like a breach of trust and can be deeply frustrating. Here’s how you can try to manage those feelings and move forward:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Don’t try to suppress your anger, frustration, or disappointment. It’s valid to feel these emotions. Acknowledge them to yourself and allow yourself to experience them without judgment.
2. Understand the “Why”:
   • Is it a misunderstanding? Sometimes, what you perceived as a contract might have been interpreted differently by the other party.
   • Was it intentional? Did the other party knowingly disregard the agreement, or was it an oversight?
   • Are there external factors? Were there circumstances beyond their control that prevented them from upholding their end?
3. Communicate (If Appropriate):
   • Calmly express your feelings: “I’m feeling upset because I understood that we had an agreement about X, and it seems that hasn’t been upheld.”
   • State the impact: Explain how their actions (or inaction) have affected you.
   • Seek clarification: “Can you help me understand what happened?” or “Was there a misunderstanding on my part?”
   • Propose a solution (if possible): “Moving forward, how can we ensure this doesn’t happen again?”
4. Set Boundaries: If this is a recurring issue with a particular person or group, you may need to re-evaluate the relationship or set clearer, more explicit boundaries in the future. This could involve written agreements, stricter expectations, or even reducing your reliance on that person/group.
5. Focus on What You Can Control: You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control your reaction and your future steps.
   • Your perspective: Can you reframe the situation?
   • Your actions: What can you do to mitigate the negative impact on yourself?
   • Your emotional response: Practice self-soothing techniques (deep breathing, meditation, a walk).
6. Practice Self-Care: When you’re upset, it’s easy to neglect your well-being. Engage in activities that help you relax and de-stress. This could be exercise, hobbies, spending time in nature, or talking to a trusted friend.
7. Learn and Adapt: Every time an agreement isn’t respected, it’s an opportunity to learn.
   • What can you do differently next time to ensure clarity?
   • Are there red flags you missed?
   • Does this situation reveal anything about the other party’s reliability or values?
8. Let Go (When Necessary): Sometimes, after you’ve acknowledged your feelings, communicated, and learned what you can, the best thing to do for your own peace of mind is to let go of the anger and resentment. Holding onto it only hurts you. This doesn’t mean condoning the behavior, but rather choosing not to let it consume you.

Remember, your emotional response is valid. The goal isn’t to not feel anything, but to manage your feelings constructively and protect your own well-being in the process.

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